- Sleepless Night

Is a sleepless night once again. Too much to think, yet to be success and to be solve. There are a lot that I actually concerned. Having a very greatful thought for my future, but I know it will not come true...

I keep asking myself:
- What is life?
- What is love?
- What is family?
- What am I doing right here, in the world?
- Why am I feeling lonely?
- Why is that happening to me?
- What can I do, to get everything I lost, back?

I am here to suffer. 19 years, I learn nothing about all the above. All I am feeling right now, is a mistake to bring me to this world. Why me? Why here, when you know, you cannot give me the best.

Why are you telling me, "If I am missing, you will become an ophan forever." over the phone? I know it will happen, it is just the matter of time. But soon or later. Have you think about my feelings before telling me this? I know I left nothing in this life. I know I got nothing. Do you know how hurt I am after listening what you have said?

The sentence you have told me, I do always think about it. It makes me feel that I am a loner. What really make me feel successful in this life? Family. I am desperate for my own family. I do not have one. But I will love to have one. I will be willing to exchange anything for my family. Who understand how a broken family's kid is feeling?

I walk alone in this 19 years, I go through things alone this 19 years. Is time to treat myself a little bit better than continue letting ownself suffer. People have been telling me "Let it go, c'mon. Past is already past." When this really happen to you, is easy for you to say let go. But it is really difficult for you to do so as everything happened in the same time. In a same time, you lost the 2 most important things in your life.And knowing they will NOT come back anymore. NOT in this life!

In a day, there are 24 hours, 1440 minutes, 86400 seconds. How many hours, minutes and seconds, you spend with me? How much you know about me? When I need comfort, who can I seek from?

How I wish I can just leave like this. How I wish I can end this and start all over again. How I wish, I never been here. Home alone tonight. Darkness and silent I see and sense in the house, I terrified. This is what going to happen to me every single night in the future, as I said, soon or later. The feeling is just like I am lost deep in the jungle. Without any help, any hope of getting out. Seeing no way out. I am feeling cold and lonely.

All the questions are still in my mind. I will never find the answers in this life. Why? Why still have to stay strong to get myself go through this? Why should I still force myself to stay strong, telling myself that I actually can go through this? Why am I still pretending that I am strong and I can go through this, when I know that I am not and I am going to collapse? Am I meant to be alone in this life?

Life is miserable. Life is evil. People will choose to be alive, but I will choose to end this life. I am not afraid of death. When will it arrive? I am waiting impatiently.

And when I say, I begin to walk away...